Sharing my adventures, thoughts and occassional jokes. Sorting through laundry, and a little bit of life…This is How I Train My Dragons…

The Simple Smell of Dirt

Last night I went for a run. Yes, me…a run. When I got the urge, it wasn’t because I’m trying to get fit (because I am), it was more so because I needed to clear my mind. I had just spent an hour on the internet looking at different positions that are open within the school district. All of which I kept coming to the same conclusion…”I’m not qualified”.

As I was looking, a little voice in my head kept telling me, “Nope. There’s no way you can do that” or “What makes you think you should even be looking” and even “You’ll never be more than just a sub…nothing more.” My favorite one is, “You graduated a year ago…why don’t you know what you want to be when you grow up?” “Loser”.

Let me rewind a little. On Sunday, our pastor spoke about spiders in our life. Not real spiders, but the ones that cause destruction in our lives…the ones that constantly spin a web of lies. He said, “If you are unsure of what your spider is, ask your family.” So, at the end of church I asked Emaleigh what my spider was and she said, “Doubt and negativity getting the best of you.” How could I disagree with her when I knew that she was right. I am a very “glass is half full” kind of person with everyone around me, but when it comes to myself, I tend to have this fear and doubt of feeling inadequate with things I pursue. It’s kind of funny because once I complete certain tasks that I originally had doubts about (starting a blog, getting my college degree, joining worship team) I come to realize that these things are the most rewarding in the end because I see how God uses those who feel this way.

So, let me rewind a little more. The last day of one of my long term sub gigs I had a student tell me (after a few other choice words) that I “wasn’t even a real teacher…I was just a sub.” I did my best to blow it off and not let it get to me, but I guess I have let it sink a little deeper than I thought. I allowed a young, naive girl to determine my worth. As I was telling Ray why I was going for a run, he even said, “Honey, do NOT let that girl get to you!” (My husband and family have always been my number one fans…when I doubt myself, they push me because they know I’m better than believing the lies.)

So, back to last night. (Do you feel like you have whiplash from all of the back and forth?) To get my mind out of my stinking thinking attitude, I decided to go for a run. Don’t let the word “run” fool you because I definitely didn’t run the whole time. I put on a worship playlist, made it just down our road, took a turn on the dirt road in between two field and got an huge whiff of freshly plowed dirt. Immediately, the words, growth, renewed, and beginning came into my mind. Fresh dirt is one of my favorite smells, but it’s less to do with the scent, and more to do with what it means. It’s getting prepared for a new crop to grow and eventually be harvested.

As I was thinking about the dirt (weird thing to think about, I know) I began to pay close attention to my playlist that I had set to random. The first song that came on was, “I Will Rise”, then “Speak Life”, and then “You Never Let Go”.

So, now I began thinking about the songs which is nice because I wasn’t thinking about how much my legs were burning. The first song talks about rising when you are called by God (I actually think it’s about passing away, but my interpretation last night was more of a rise to fulfill your calling). The second songs reminds us to speak life into everyone around you. You never know what words you speak to someone will eventually become their “spider”…so instead, be the light and speak life! The third song reminds us that God will always have our back and He will never let go.

God is so good. Through these songs and a little run/breath of fresh air, He simply reminded me that I am qualified because He is the true qualifier and I will not let others put restrictions on my life because of words they speak to me. He is the voice of truth, no one else.

I was able to return home with such a different mindset. I know I may be “just a sub”, but this past year I have done some serious growing and I feel like this is the beginning of where I am supposed to be. I also know that being “just a sub” is a lie that I have allowed to try to rob the joy I have found in it. I am more than just a sub. I am a woman who cares so deeply for the children that I have met throughout this year. I am a woman who gets a huge smile when the kids run up to me with arms open wide and say, “Mrs. Mondragon!” I am a woman who at the beginning of the year was a little uncomfortable in a class room, but now I don’t even think twice about it. I am a woman who has made some really good teacher friends being in the schools.  I am a woman who has a lot of growing to do to figure out what I truly want to do in life…but I know my soil is in good hands.



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