Ah, family movies.
You know, the kind that when you pull out the old camcorder to hook it up to your tv, your 9 year old calls it a projector? The kind before we had smart phones and could quickly and easily delete something we didn’t want to keep? The kind where your family sits around and laughs, giggles, and cries because everything the kids did were so cute and you just miss them that little? The kind where your husband records you at 9 months pregnant sitting on the potty? The kind that pull on your heart strings because those were seasons of your life that, although felt long at the time, quickly flew by? Yes, those.
This week, the kids asked if we could watch some. It’s been a very long time since we have pulled them out of the box, so we have spent some time reminiscing. Usually, when I watch I find myself reliving those moments with our kids as babies/toddlers. Remembering the way it felt when their little cabbage patch arms would hug my neck, or the way their little voices sounded calling my name. Usually after we watch, I look at the kids and feel a sense of pride, but this week, I found myself closely watching other people on the screen…Ray and I.
Yes, I was still reminiscing about our babies, but this time I was looking at the two kids on the screen who had no idea what they were doing.
Ray and I were still babies ourselves starting a family of our own. Seeing clips of our first apartment with our futon as a couch…we had no idea what we were doing.
I could sense the excitement, watching us fold baby clothes that had never been worn. Just watching tv just waiting for a baby to come, but knowing we had no idea what kind of a rollercoaster we were about to ride on…we had no idea what we were doing.
I could see the look of fear in my trying-to-smile- face as the doctors and nurses were giving me oxygen because Em’s heart rate dropped so fast…we had no idea what we were doing.
I could hear the tremble in Ray’s voice expressing excitement (but also a sense of fear) when he called the family members to let them know that “she’s here!” or “he’s here!”…we had no idea what we were doing.
Remembering that “What The French toast” moment we had when we pulled away from the hospital with a new baby in the back of our two door Blazer…we had no idea what we were doing.
Today, after watching numerous home videos, I feel a sense of pride… but this time it was for Ray and I. We had no idea what we were doing, but damn, we have come a long way. When we got married, so many of our friends and family said we were crazy. You know, maybe we were, but here we are almost 18 years and 3 kids later. We have leaned on each other through some amazing and tough times. We have given our marriage to God and centered our family around Him.
Have we made mistakes? Yes, Have we had victories? Yes. Have we had failures? Yes. Are there still things we are learning? Absolutely. But we have grown, and learned so much together since 2003 that I just can’t help but want to reach through the screen and tell young Ray and Caiti that everything is going to be ok. (But first, I would like to tell myself to cut up that freaking choking hazard of a hot dog for my one year old son) I would skip telling them everything they would go through, but I would encourage them to continue doing their best. Oh, and I would tell them that someday, their family would sit and watch these videos together and say, “Do you guys even know what you’re doing?”
No, no we don’t…and that’s ok.
mrsmomdragon 
This is absolutely beautiful and I am so so very proud of the two of you and life you have built together.
Thanks Mom. I love you!